Sex and the Ex…

We all know that breaking up is hard to do. But the end of a relationship can be hard on your libido too. Going from having sex all the time when in a relationship to hardly at all can be difficult. It may be tempting to slip into a dangerous habit: casual sex with your ex.

It’s easy to rationalize: You’ve already done it, so it’s something (and someone) comfortable and familiar. You can even convince yourself that it’s “just sex.” However, these seemingly logical thought patterns often fall apart once you’ve done the deed. Sex with your ex can lead to a lot of regrets and lost ground if you’ve been trying to make a clean break.

The next time you’re tempted, ask yourself these questions:

• Are there emotions you’re trying to satisfy (anger, resentment, etc.) by having sex with him?
• Are you looking for a way to stay close to him?
• Are you feeling lonely or simply fed up with dating?
• Are you just looking for closure?
• Will having sex with your ex kill your motivation to find a new relationship?

After all, no matter how good the sex is, there will always be an emotional price to pay. An enjoyable sex life rests in your own two hands (with perhaps the help of a vibrator) and in the promise of a new relationship. Relationships aren’t that much different from anything else — it’s always best to keep moving forward rather than spend your life looking back.

Add a comment August 13, 2009

Patterns you picked up from your parents….

We’ve all heard that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree — and that adage is certainly true when it comes to love. The blueprint for our romantic tendencies is actually laid out in our early years. Our relationship with our parents — and their relationship with each other — provides the foundation upon which we build our ideas about love.

It can be a great learning exercise to write down what your relationships have been like, past and present. For instance, what role do you seem to play in each of your romances? Are you the rescuer or the dependent one? Are you and your ex-partners very similar? Next, think about what your parents’ relationship was like, as well as your relationship with each of them. Write down specific behaviors and memories in each case, and try to notice the recurring themes.

One of the perks of being single is the chance to really confront these patterns. You have the luxury of stepping back, without the distraction of a partner, to extract and examine the emotional patterns in your relationships. Use your downtime between relationships wisely, and keep discovering who you are as a person and a partner in life and love.

Add a comment August 6, 2009